Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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