So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
