Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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