I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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