I think my vagina is haunted
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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