I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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