It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
