Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
