I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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