my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
