Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Boobs are out for the taking
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
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