i was born a porn star she said
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
