Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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