he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
