Four minutes until I can fart!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
