Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
