I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize