That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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