you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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