remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
