So drunk its hurt
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
