So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
