Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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