That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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