I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
