Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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