textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
