oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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