It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
