Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
