you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
