dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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