My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
