nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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