My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
