I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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