Need sex. Gaining weight.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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