JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
