I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
