Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
