yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
