I think I died a long time ago.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
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