I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize