Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
