she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
me + whiskey = a bad person
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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