it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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