meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
