You don't have asthma, your pregnant
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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