I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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