In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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