Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize