i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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