I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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