Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I did not marry a roomba.
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