why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
