i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
