people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize