i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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