I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
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